The Indian Christian Wedding

Life is not a movie, but the story of 'guy meets girl' always ends up with that same fairytale wedding thats been rehearsed by the lucky ones and their entourage way in advance, and put together by an emcee who's done the same thing for a host of gay (happy) couples.

For most girls and some guys, its THE day. You're united with the love of your life before God, family and friends (and colleagues, and your sisters friends, and shiny saree-clad aunties delighted at how grown up you are).

If you're commitment-phobic, stop reading now.

Weddings arent as big a deal to me as the union of marriage. But that's a different story/ argument. Coming back to the point, leaving the life-changing part aside and focusing on the celebration, let us commence.

1. The entry: Lil flower girls come first, walking too slowly for the rest, followed by the bridesmaids (all in the same or similar dresses) with the groomsmen picking off thermocol balls, stuck on their suits due to static electricity. Of course, the couple, smiling ear to ear, ignores the slow amalgamation of hairspray and snowspray on their heads.
2. Cake: And they walk up to the cake. Noone is going to eat that shit. I cant think of a decent way to say that chocolate cake would be a better choice. Dude, even mawa cake from Kayanis is better. But they want that mattress of royal icing over a thick layer of marzipan, covering some rich fruit-laden cake that fills you up on the first bite. (that's how the couple manages to survive without food till they eat dinner after all the wishes).
3. The first dance: 8Gb of music on your ipod and you still pick an MLTR song. We understand that you want an intimate number to trot to, but you guys feel awkward na, so looking into each others eyes and singing has to suffice. Just pick hip-hop if its easier. "First dance as a couple" apparently. What if they dont dance again? 
4. Photographs: Awww... no! No bride squatting with her gown spread out before a groom with extended shoulders is pleasant. puh-lease. It's good to click pictures for memories, but don't scatter flowers everywhere. And bridesmaids, you dont need to pose like clones of the maid of honour, ok!
5. Food: No complaints here, I like weddings because of the spread. But  you dont need to stick to the menu traditional to your culture. Goan, mangalorean, keralite, east indian, anglo, whatever. It's ok to have variety, you know. Just in case you choose to stick to sorportel, pulao and kheer, please invite me.
6. The wedding march: Firstly, that song is annoying. It really is. You have to agree with me on this one. And there's never enough place for everyone to hop around like that. On lawns, my heels are sinking into the soil. And what's the point, really. What does it have to do with the wedded couple, or in fact, any celebration?
7. The kiss in the air: This is the reason why they put so much net and fluff under the skirt. When the bride's chaired in the air, these guys are trying to sneak a peek, oh yeah. It's dangerous, too! Imagine if the guys carrying them, tripped over each other as they were busy trying to sneak a peek, and down she fell, while the groom freaks and instinctively jumps off his chair..! He can take off her girdle in the hospital though.
8. Other stupid stuff. Throw your bouquet at another girl. It's not going to bring her luck. Deal with it. Put an image of your wife's legs in everyones minds while you're feeling her up under the centerpiece to find that damned girdle. It could be the trigger to a stalker. 
9. The snapshots: By now they've posed about 100 times with people who've wished them. By the time I go up to wish them, both cheeks need to be taped on their ears to keep a smile in place. Poor happy couple.
10. Return gifts: If the food, music, smart looking guys and all the 'entertainment' werent enough, they have to make a memory with the candle and 'thankyou' tag on your table. Dont feel bad when you visit me next year and find it burnt out in my bathroom. I cant bathe in the dark.

I don't really mean to be a cynic. I enjoy clichés too. But if this is your day with your love, do it your way. Maybe you like rich, hard cakes, whatever, but how about getting the crowd to do your version of YMCA or something rather than march to the wedding polka? Make it a REAL memory- for you and for the people who provided most of the show-pieces in your new home.

*congratulates, air-kisses both cheeks, tells bride she's looking beautiful and reminds self to write about the traditions we succumb to nevertheless*